question

can you be too much of a perfectionist and control freak that you would not start work without all the proper requirements and thinga-majig thus resulting in the work not being done at all?...thus obviously beats the purpose of you being the perfectionist and a control freak in the first place...wouldn't it?...

huh?

of friends and ...

i found out a couple of days ago that a close friend here is getting transfered. she only applied for it a couple weeks back after she found out the supposed person for the job didn't turn up. she swooped in, and she got what she wants...i am happy for her, tho cant help but feel a little "mweh...", cant actually describe it, but hey, i guess you know.

two major events happen these past weeks. i get to hang with some friends,...and get to meet with some old-old friends as well. both things were great! we didnt have a proper hang session, but the bits of time when we're able to brings back memories. some people change , but it seems not much, apparently. heard stuff about them, that happened to them, things that they're going to do, places they're going...it gave me an avenue to ponder...it's been a while, a lot of things had happen, been achieved...people change but not much...most things that i saw, is that as we get older, we get more focussed...priorities are set...those are the biggest changes, but deep down, we are very much the same we were when we were still trying to look 'cool'...if before you're chasing your dream in becoming a rockstar, then you might still chasing it, OR you already are a rock star and is living the life, and focusing so that you still are and will still be years and years to come...

the new light of life

some people are saying that i'm happy where i am, that i'm contented, that's why i'm not going anywhere...when in fact, i'm dying to get out. it's not like i've never said it to anyone before, in fact the whole place knows!!! think that i'm going to say it at any chance i get everyday. anyhoo, the reason i'm saying this is because, coming back from the week-long holiday i get to pass by the new site, the placement that i want to go to (two hours from home, and hour from KL, and good damn 6 hours from this bloody place!!!)...there were rumours before saying that it wasnt going to be built, or that the site was taken over by a much larger, powerful and purposeful company. never had a 10 minutes drive been so wonderful than the drive along the new site...seeing it has brought a new sense of happiness and purpose for me (seriously, i'm not over-exagerating it). i cant wait for it to be completed and a letter coming in this time next year (hopefully!) telling me to move my arse and stuff to that wonderfully hillside placement...as respond to why didnt i get the move when they expected it?...well, obviously because the new placement is still being built, duh!...(although i suspect that some are wishing that i'd buggered off this god forsaken place, at least to have a little peace and quiet...)

shock of life

found out that a former student - who is only twenty-two - is married and has a child. i dont mind, i mean he was mature beyond his years, but damn! some of his other teachers are not married (including moi), or married but no children, or just got themselves bloody pregnant! (one or two has a child the same age as his son, or even younger)...that's the latest watering-hole gossip anyway!

life in shambles

i got given a major responsibility last month, but everything is in full gear towards the pending tournament in early march. bloody hell! i like life without any duty! nothing but the usual banal routine!!!...i dont like being trusted (and thrusted) with certain responsibilities. i like being seen as an incompetent so i wont be bothered with all the other stuff other people like to do so that they'll be in the limelight...i like obscurity. fine, certain people apparently "see" my potentials and want me to prove myself that i am who they see i am...i know i can do it, but then again, having lived a life of a carefree incompetent...errr, free-spirit (? hahaha!) is SO much fun.

the evenmore lower downside, everybody that has requests, dissatisfaction, complaints, they'll come to me...eh, why? like i care? (i have to though, it's me job innit?)...i mean that's what the co-ordinator is for and i'm only the one to write the letters and distribute ...

i'm a not normally a whinging ungrateful cow you know, sometimes i smile

january post

this is the case of going blindly into the unknown -

and having a bloody great time at it!

just writing in so that i have a january post. haha!

this is a month of mixed feelings and emotions, a roller-coaster of such, if i may say so.

coming back to work after being away for a month is a bit daunting. there are things that you can expect, and there are that nobody can. at least three friends wont be there, having gotten the transfer they wanted....i am happy for them, for finally they'll be able to be closer with their families; but at the same time i am a little bit jealous because i didn't, and the list which had my name in it among others was not approved by HQ....but, life goes on.

there are things that i'm quite excited about...seeing moi students again. at least i get to goof off a little with them every now and then. this year, i aim not to play around so much, more work!....well, maybe just a little bit more work. i think they have it tough as it is already, and learning should be FUN! and it works when they're having fun learning. i dont care what the bloody thick minded dinosaur says...

i've also discovered in this past week that when people keep pushing me to do stuff that i would close-up and ignore them completely

because i lost my head today

I can see there’s something in your eyes
You just took a fall from paradise
Saw the lipstick on your neck
Maybe you should just confess

Oh oh oh oh oh
I don’t wanna lose my head today
But I know there’s something in the way
Maybe I made a big mistake last night
when I left you alone with Chelsea

Chelsea’s the kind of girl that’s cold as ice
Beautiful with nails filed sharp as knives
She called me while you were kissing
so I could hear what I was missing

Oh oh oh oh oh
I don’t wanna lose my head today
But I know there’s something in the way
Maybe I made a big mistake last night
when I left you alone with Chelsea
When I left you alone with Chelsea

You’re just a typical guy
and you’re typically blind

You can see I’m out of here
and that I said goodbye

I don’t wanna lose my head today
But I know there’s something in the way
Maybe I made a big mistake last night
when I left you alone with Chelsea
When I left you alone with Chelsea

Song: Chelsea
Band: Stefy

rumour has it...

according to people in the know i'm getting the transfer that i've wanted. nothing is confirmed yet, the definitive list will only come out on the 10th, but the feeling that i got is just indescribeable...i just need an place where i can say yay...so: "YAY!"

got back to work today instead of the supposed yesterday, took a day off since i cant get the bus to go back to perak on sunday, i thought i was the only one, but apparently there were a few who did the same...and there are a few who hasnt turn up today even,...everybody is in the "raya" mood, there's even potlucks in the teacher's lounge and in the classes where everybody brought all the tidbits and raya savoury to school. half of my colleagues are wearing their raya clothes...the raya mood is still in - well, the syawal month IS a month long.

only happy when it rains

After more than a week suffering sore throat and irritation at me own eyes and nose it rained today, which made everybody happy because we're hoping that it'll clear the haze a little if not completely. I feel bad with people living near the coasts and in cities and town because they got the worse of the haze....I guess the mass 'hajat' prayers our apologetic neighbour did, worked. It brought the rain to the region....and as one of my all time favourite song says in the beginning...

I'm only happy when it rains
I'm only happy when it's complicated
and though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains. (Garbage)

break of the norm

last sunday was the first day of ramadhan. for once in my life i started the month on my own. even when i was away studying i was not on my own. okay so there was a time when i was at my foster's parents and they are not muslim, but that doesn't count coz there were people in the house. tom (foster cousin) greeted me early in the morning coz he thought it was the same as easter or something similar since he saw the fuss that my friends and i went through, calling here and there to confirm the first day of fasting, he told me with all the buzz we created it looked kinda celebratory..., actually, that was one of the most memorable ramadhan experience. different, yet interesting (if you ever get your cyber arse to reading my blog tom, know that you ARE remembered). other than that it was with my friends and housemates. we went through the same process of telephoning people we think might have the latest info...why is it a bother? i dont know,...it just a feeling, it feels a bit different, maybe because i missed the people i was with or maybe i missed the buzz of being sure yet not brave enough to admit it (or maybe because this year i'm OLD!!!..hahaha!)

Beginning fasting on a day off was horrible! you'd basically wake up and after finishing up the usual chores of being a grown-up living- on-your-own, you end up doing nothing. you try to watch the telly which made you realise that weekend telly are peppered with food and cooking programmes so end up being hungry. when you're hungry and and you cant eat ou'd end up swearing and cursing to the world and yourself. so, what's left of the "purity" of your fast anymore? sleeping? wish it was easy! it took an hour to have a siesta on an empty stomach, tossing and turning on the bed, on the couch, on the floor...in the end i fell asleep tired of being angry to the world....i'm way past the phase of having an angst.

365 days to be great

It's my birthday today...and I'm feel no different today than I am yesterday, or last week. Am I the same today than I was a year ago? Not necessarily. I dont think I've changed much than I was five years, or even ten years ago. I still enjoy watching cartoons, reading comics, fooling around, or even doing stuff some conservative society members deemed too old for people my age. No change whatsoever? That is an impossibility. of course there are changes! Mental. Views. Opinion. Approaches.
In these past weeks what really strike me was how people behave and react to things that happen around them,...to each other. Generally I talk to everybody, if that's not the immediate option then it's the non-obligatory smiles, greetings, and the odd eyebrow-raising or winks. I try not to belong in cliques, but being human and it is normal for us to stay within our comfort zones, there are a few people that I am close to. Anyhow, there were few events that showed me that people can be extemely selfish, extremely stubborn...just extemely extreme when it comes to themselves. Being an adult - educated adults nonetheless doesn;t make you wise. Toleration and acceptance of changes don't seep into the spines of these people. What is important is the fact that they will get what they want, at their terms no matter what the cost or who they offend along the way. What I saw will definately alter my perception of them. It taught me how to handle them. But it won't change my perceptionof people. I wont isolate certain people just because they insult any one of my friends. I think I dont talk badly about people,...comment a little about them maybe (not doing so, even the tiniest bit, is not human), especially when I don't understand why a person has to behave a certain way to get what they want. Nope. I trust most people wont. I'm a bit of a softie too. But what had passed changed the way I approach and treat some people. That can't be helped - they're the ones that changed my views of them. However, it is one of my mission to not misjudge people no matter what...Let's see if I am able to do so within this year...
Seeing it's my birthday, the obligatory questions of (1) What do I wish for?, and (2) What are your resolution, are in order...So, here goes:
Wish list:
World peace (seriously, I am not taking the piss);
Toleration - among people, between generations, race, countries - you know they go both ways;
Co-operation - especially among my colleagues;
A multi-function current-cool-gadget-cellphone (mine is two years old, though I live it to bits!)
A Creative Zen Vision W (I'm a gadget munkey - sponsors anyone?!)

Resolution: I'll make it up as I go along,...I forget and make new one easily!

...and she returns

it's been hard, having thoughts and things to say but not having the outlet to express them except for the random rabid urge of ranting to myself making me look like a mad woman. having too much time but with nothing to do can actually take a toll on a person, can make you weary. strange...i know, i didn't even think that it was possible.

what's this all about then?...i live and work in an area that is a little late in the "accessibility" of things new and technological. we're not that remote or that rural, but the delay in almost anything is mind boggling. the school i'm working at has have broadband access for almost year now...but in the first few months there were technical gliches, so that was acceptable. that was something forgiveable, it's not something that we mere mortals can do about. after a while the access got better, but the thing is, bereucracy got the better of us (or rather the administratives). they decided it is better to give a limited access in order to protect the school's system and what not. the thing is, nobody can do anything...AT ALL! it doesnt matter that though it's supposed to be broadband but the connection is slower than a dial-up in a depression, no, it's a straight forward looking-at-the- first- two- pages- of-any-site!!! and we STILL get infected by virus! which resulting all the computers in the college and any removeable drive you connect the computers to, which led to a time none can access to as they need to reformat ALL the 'puters...(include protests from people here)...anyway, to cut a long arduous strory short...about a week ago they decided.."what the heck! give them all the access! do whatever they want! we dont care, the speed is crap anyway!"....but you know what?...the speed and connection got better the very same week. just the luck...

so, as they say, here i am dah-lings...

you

when you thought i wasn't looking,
i saw tears came from your eyes
And i learned that sometimes things hurt
but it's alright to cry.

when you thought i wasn't looking
i saw that you care
and i wanted to be everything
that i could to make you happy.

when you thought i wasn't looking,
i looked at you and wanted to say
"Thank you for all the things that i saw
when you thought i wasn't looking".

soon there will be water

Okay, so this is my second blog page. It's not that i'm greedy, but stupid-nazi of a system didn't accept my password and i couldn't get any reply when i requested for the real password...you know, in case i got an amnesia concerning password to the blog and typed chocolate cake instead of the more appropriate achovies or sumfink....

Anyway,...after weeks of only medium showers, the heavens finally teared itself apart and poured...and i do mean really poured from about 5am (local time +800 GMT) till er,...now. Apparently it's going to be like this for at least a week!!! Bugger! Since the tide is rising, and that it's pouring, soon the water level's going to rise..and so the monsoon really begins

One day it started raining, and it didn't quit for four months. We been through every kind of rain there is. Little bitty stingin' rain...and big ol' fat rain. Rain that flew in sideways. And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath (Forrest Gump)

damn it's cold!